Recent events have helped me tremendously understand the dual nature of who are in essence. When God is allowed to shed the light on my heart, and take me back to earlier times in my life, and then fast forward to the present, I see things more clearly. You really begin to understand the effects of sin's stain, and its unbeatable control on our destiny if He doesn't free us. Everything is affected, especially intimacy with Him and with others. I see so clearly the old nature still stealing time, and fighting this new nature that God birthed in me at salvation. What a war that wages, with one inner man struggling to gain strength, against an old man that is ravaged by sin's effects. Of course its the new man that we want to consistently be, but till this point, cannot boast such a claim. My only hope for any type of meaningful, enduring wholeness is tied to this wonderful new man that God created in me at the moment I surrendered to Him, and all a work of His grace. The old man is insecure, selfish, preoccupied with much of the wrong priorities, unfocused, undisciplined, lazy, and full of defeat. The new man on the other side of this dichotomy, is full of faith, loves God and others, self-sacrifices and gets on with life as an over-comer. Romans takes this challenge that I face and makes it clear that salvation starts a necessary war in me, that unless I take on, I cannot ever say I rule and reign in life. Sin is just to clever, subversive and sinister to defeat on your own wits and good intentions. Sin wins 100% of the time outside of the saving grace that God freely provides the humble ones. When I feed my old self, usually through the door of self-pity and self-loathing, moments and often longer periods of time get stolen from the abundant life that Jesus said starts at rebirth. Thousands of books have been written on how to have your "better life", people wanting to determine the path to a life fully lived, absent of regret and destructive behavior. Abundant life is now, a gift, not an existence earned by putting much 'good karma' out there. How exhausting it must be to even try to earn a good life, when you have a sinful, selfish nature fighting you every moment, sabotaging even your best efforts and intentions. What is given freely to us as an act of God's grace, is way more powerful to live a good life for God, others, and yourself- and is always in abundant supply. Supply is everything if you want to sustain anything, that is why our penchant to return to self-effort is so deceiving. We think we can change a nasty habit, but have no idea how much supply we will need to sustain our changes for a lifetime. I can't tell you how bad I hate the old self in me, how much havoc it has wreaked in my life, my marriage, my parenting, etc... I can be honest and say that as much as I hate it, there seems to be this default button in me that reverts to its weakness more times than I would like to admit. Just hating it isn't enough, keeping in step with the Spirit of God who fosters and strengthens my new inner man is the key. He is the one who keeps me sane in this war against my flesh, and I feel so strong when He is near. The Spirit of God is the one who can handle me, bring me under control, and set straight all that gets crooked in my life. It's becoming a daily prayer of mine to ask the Spirit of God to bring me under control, and allow me to keep in step with Him. What a better way forward!
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